Biting off the matter with a smile
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Bezige Bij" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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11:14 pm
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Helen Fisher
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09:51 pm
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Sam
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04:46 pm
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Me and the kids
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09:49 pm
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Vollenhoven, Jos and pictures of gardens
3 busy days at Landgoed Vollenhoven. Last year the garden festival had been cancelled, and thus it was two years ago since I was there last. Life has changed a lot since then. Saturday night Tess was in Limburg at a birthday part for her sister and seeing as the weather was beautiful I decided to have a beer in the city. I called Dirk up to see if he wanted to join me and we proceeded to have a lovely evening together during which I gave him dating advise and we laughed a lot. I'm glad we've both come to this place.
Monday morning the daughter of my friend Jos called to tell me that her mother had died the night before. I remember walking though a garden with Jos three years ago, when we were still able to make jokes together. Jos was an artist and had an exquisite feeling for composition and form. If a garden was overdone, kitsch and frivilous in the wrong way she would whisper to me "Kan het erbij, moet het erbij." and then laugh. The funeral is tomorrow. Jos will be dearly missed.
This morning a client sent me some pictures of her garden with exclamations about how everything is growing. We only planted the garden a couple of months ago. Life can go fast sometimes.
This is, by the way, the garden you all helped me out with last November. So, thanks for that.
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11:22 pm
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Article in Tuin en Landschap
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07:39 am
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Ha!
I feel very good this morning. I had been exceedingly cranky for a couple of days with a side of general restlessness. I knew where the feelings were coming from but that didn't really help matters. It would be nice to be able to rationally turn such feeling off like a light switch, to be able to say "This is how I would like to behave in this situation" and then proceed to do so. But apparently it doesn't work like that.
However, I'm feeling better now.
I have several gardens being built and I like them! Also, I came up with a design yesterday that makes me want to skip. Now I'm crossing my fingers that the client will be just as excited about it.
Oh, and heard this fun song to which I can only say, "Ha!"
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07:07 pm
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Building
I just sent in my application for the masters program, starting in September.
Below I am building sand castles in Maine in 1981.
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11:16 pm
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NL vs. NY
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11:14 pm
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'Cause I never was cool
Quote from Kerryanne from Saturday night: "You're having a wierd moment. Everyone has wierd moments; yours just happens to be now."
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03:30 pm
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Life in pictures
I could fixate on every detail of the last couple of weeks, but I won't. I'll give you the highlights.
Working backwards chronologically:
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) coco_keesses and I on the boat trip through the canals which was part offrumiousb 's wedding weekend extravaganza.
( More )
Current Music: Least Complicated
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11:52 am
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Back
I'm back in NL, and there are a shocking number of things to get done, so far now I will keep this message short. I had a good trip and I am very glad that I went. More later.
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08:26 am
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Today's horoscope, very appropriate
Libra September 23 - October 22For Monday, June 8 -It's time to take care of the ones you love, whether it's your family, the friends you've had for years and years, or your current romantic interest. You're tuned in. In fact, they probably won't even need to mention what they need. Your antennae are running on high alert, so you'll know what they need before they know they need it themselves. Let them make the decision, though -- for the sake of their pride.
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10:08 pm
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Carl and NJ
I just got off the phone with my brother. It was a short conversation to coordinate when we would see each other next week. I caught him on his cell. We talked briefly about the new baby and life in general. He was at the gay pride in Asbury Park with Shannon. It sounded like they were having a good time. It made me want to be there with him. It made me think about how warm and sunny it probably is in NJ right now, and it made me glad that I will be there in a couple of days. And for a moment, for maybe the first time in 15 years, I thought, "Maybe I wouldn't mind living in NJ." It made me actually want to live in NJ so that I could have these short conversations with him more often, and maybe do things like go to gay pride in Asbury with him, and see him and the kids more often. Kind of wierd to realise I would even consider the thought of living in NJ.
ETA: Just learned that it's been raining lots in NJ. Sobering and good to hear. I think I'm mostly just a tad homesick (that it still happens after so many years...) and a bit nervous about the upcoming visit. The last couple of years the realities of this distance and its consequences has really sunk in.
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02:05 pm
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"You create happiness!"
Just on the telephone with a client, an American woman living in Rotterdam. Her garden is being built at this moment and we were conferring via pictures and the like as to the specifics of a curve in one of the beds. I asked, "How do the spaces feel?"
She said, "Fantastic. You have no idea how much this rocks my world. Never doubt the meaning of your work because you create happiness!"
Yeah!
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07:59 am
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Patterns
It is fairly confrontational when the same familiar issues arise, and you are left to conclude, "Ok, this is a pattern with me."
My main issues:
1. I inform rather than asking. Perhaps because I don't want to have anyone else intrude on my sense of choice? Or is I ask and someone doesn't respond the way I want, than I did care and can be disappointed? If I present something as an announcement rather than a conversation I have this illusion that I am not claiming or confronting the other person. I am not obliging them to respond. I am projecting my own need for freedom and autonomy onto them while at the same time ensuring my own freedom and autonomy.
2. Problem is, this means I don't share. Not really. But keep the announcement general and as something which I present, I leave the other person no room to partake. I put my cards on the table and ask them to respond. If I like their cards I will tell them so. If I don't, I will as well. I take on an attitude of "no hard feeling". Things is, there are often more hard feelings than I think.
3. I want to be the one who decides when and where and how much. I want so much on my own terms. If someone expects something of me that I have not already offered, I react poorly. I feel like I am being claimed and I will withdraw. I don't want to be asked to do something. I want to be given the opportunity to offer to do so.
4. I involve others only when it is convienient and comfortable for me.
Now the really hard part: how on earth do I change this behavior?
Obviously, I need to really want to change this behavior first. And while theoretically I do because I know it is hindering my closest relationships, these are very hard patterns to break. Can such patterns, that I know I learned at a very young age, really be changed?
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03:37 pm
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Hey, that's no way to say goodbye
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11:12 am
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Enjoying
Client just sent me this picture. Things like this make me happy.
My new company slogan is: Wij creëren tuinen om van te genieten - it doesn't translate directly but is something like: We create gardens in which to enjoy life (okay not really working in Englsih). But anyway, I think this photo really captures that idea.
Also my horoscope today:
Libra September 23 - October 22For Saturday, May 23 -Someone's magnetic charisma will grab your attention today -- you'll like what this person is saying, and it will inspire you to get more involved with helping other people. You are emerging from a self-reflective phase into one that helps you bring joy to the lives of others with your time and effort. Being connected to other people -- even strangers -- is important to you right now. Volunteering is a great option to explore.
*** Can I just tell you how thrilled I will be to leave this "self-reflective phase" and to start living life in a way that is less inwardly focused and more about joy. Here's hoping the stars are on to something...
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10:44 pm
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Trip to US
Just booked a flight to the US for June 9th. I'll be in NJ for a week. Feel good about that.
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09:24 pm
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Weekend alone
Tess headed down to Limburg a couple of hours ago. She'll be spending the weekend with her sister Mieke and her two nieces. I opted to stay home. Some time alone in the house and an opportunity to finish up some long lingering tasks sounded appealing. This is my first night in this house alone without Tess. It's kind of strange. I realize as I type this that I have spent very few nights without Tess since I met her. Hmm...
The plan is to paint the stairs and there are still far too many boxes that need to be unpacked.
Enough to do, but it's awfully quiet...
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09:15 pm
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Der Dritte Schnee
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