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"She will try to create something temporal, even trivial, but perfect in its way." - The Reverie Alone Will Do
July 20th, 2010
10:39 am

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"She will try to create something temporal, even trivial, but perfect in its way."
It is warm and the the peaches in the bowl keep rotting quickly; so I need to eat them even quicker. Life is good and I haven't been here much. This was to a large extent a conscious decision. I needed a break. I needed to withdraw and I'm still not sure what my relationship with the Internet and this journal should be. I am looking for focus. I am trying to cut down on the distractions. I don't know if I am able to say that I am succeeding but the attempt is there.

We are spending the summer here at home. We are working on the house. Yesterday I painted the cement floor in the office downstairs a color called "Rhinocerous"; it's kind of a purpley, leathery gray. I like it.

Imbetween I am reading about roses and admitting to myself that they really are quite lovely. There are so many sorts, so many colors, so many options and it seems somehow silly that I once could make sweeping statements like: "I don't like roses; they are too cliche." , when really there is are so many roses and they range from exotic to nonchalant to candy coated.  I believe I will be planting some "Ballerinas" here in the gaden. The thought makes me happy.

Last week I read "The Hours" by Michael Cunningham and this week I am rereading it. I am surprised that I never read it before. In 2002 I saw the movie and also read "Mrs. Dalloway". Funny that I should wait till now to read this book, but that's how things work sometimes, isn't it.

I sit here fussing over roses and thinking about Clarissa, Clarissa Dalloway and Clarissa Vaughan, and flowers, and peaches in a bowl and the color I painted the floor and other trivial, temporal things, and how ife is good.

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From:wyliekat
Date:July 20th, 2010 12:47 pm (UTC)
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I was just thinking of you a couple of days ago, wondering how you were. I'm glad you're just enjoying some nesting and some focus. Nesting is a oft-ignored past time, and it really cannot be prized enough.
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From:bezigebij
Date:July 21st, 2010 06:13 am (UTC)
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Yes, nesting is good. Focusing too. I need both in my life right now.
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From:lizardek
Date:July 20th, 2010 05:04 pm (UTC)
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I'm not always enamored of roses, but we planted 4 behind the house in the spring (all different) and I was surprisingly pleased at how lovely they have turned out!
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From:bezigebij
Date:July 21st, 2010 06:15 am (UTC)
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Yes, they can be surprising. There are still lots of roses that I am not very fond of; I find them to stiff, too cultivated, too showy. However, there are lots of roses that are very loose and organic in growth and subtle. I feel almost ashamed that I judged the whole genus based on a few outspoken members. Surprisingly lovely indeed!
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From:tealight_rookie
Date:July 20th, 2010 07:22 pm (UTC)
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Isn't it a joy to have the time and the space in one's mind to fuss over flowers and summer fruit?

I'm glad things are good. What a season for it!
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From:bezigebij
Date:July 21st, 2010 06:16 am (UTC)
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It is a very good sign that I am in a place to fuss over such things. Now if I can get my concentration sorted out, I'll be very pleased.
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From:ladycoreopsis
Date:July 20th, 2010 08:44 pm (UTC)
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I had a similar tun-around about roses and peonies one day while at a supermarket. They had roses in their garden department and when I saw them, they made me think of my grandpa. He had white roses in his garden, and big white fluffy peonies as well, and all of a sudden I found myself all nostalgic, thinking of my passed grandfather in the store. I later planted some roses at our summerhome.
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From:bezigebij
Date:July 21st, 2010 06:18 am (UTC)
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I love how plants can do that - can evoke such strong memories of people and places. I just need to smell a tomato plant and I'm back in NJ, eating tomatoes out of my hand at my grandparents' home. I recently bought a lemon verbena, and that's another plant, that for me, is saturated in memories.
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From:vaneramos
Date:July 20th, 2010 10:17 pm (UTC)
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I'm familiar with the search for focus. Sometimes I have to take time out to clarify my priorities and purpose.

It seems trivial to say The Hours is one of my favourite movies. It's better to say it left a lasting impression. I liked the book but it didn't hit me the same way. I have yet to read Mrs. Dalloway.
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From:bezigebij
Date:July 21st, 2010 06:26 am (UTC)
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Yes, if I have a clear purpose it helps me stay focused. I think part of the problem is that I was standing too long at a cross roads, unwilling to make a decision, and so not taking steps forward became a habit. It is time to break that habit.

I don't know if it seems trivial to say that The Hours is on of your favorite movies. I haven't seen the film in eight years, I can still vividly imagines scenes out of it. Maybe because such a long period of time had spanned between seeing the movie and reading the book, but the book hit me strong. Equally strong and maybe even stronger than the movie. It says a lot of things that I have been struggling to say in my own writing this past year, and reading it felt like a reassurance. That might seems strange to say considering the sadness in the story. But this idea that happiness is not something that is constantly sustained, but something temporal and fleeting, something we feel strongly at certain moments and that it is these moments that sustain us in life -- this is how I experience life, and it is comforting see this idea expressed elsewhere, and to know that it is not only okay to experience things this way, it is most likely universal.

Mrs. Dalloway is a great book, and I would highly recommend it.
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From:vaneramos
Date:July 21st, 2010 10:53 am (UTC)
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What you say here about happiness seems like an essential truth, one I continue to struggle with. Would you mind if I quote you in my journal?
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From:bezigebij
Date:July 22nd, 2010 08:00 am (UTC)
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I'm glad what I wrote resonates with you, and, by all means, quote at will.
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From:calypso72
Date:July 21st, 2010 02:10 am (UTC)
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The Hours is one of the best books I have ever read. The movie was good too, but couldn't touch the book.
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From:bezigebij
Date:July 21st, 2010 06:27 am (UTC)
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I would agree. I hadn't expected it to be as well constructed as it was. Beautiful, really.
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